This evening I am addressing a few topics, ideas rumbling around in my brain. As I take this journey from casual athlete towards competitive Triathlete I know there is far more than just the training of my muscles. There is more than knowing how to swim, cycle and run. I believe that what takes someone from weekend warrior to full fledged beast goes far deeper than muscle.
I know for a fact now, that the swim is my weakest link. Why? Not because I am not a decent swimmer, but because I am fighting against inner voices with every single stroke. It is not coming easily or smoothly for me. That in itself is frustrating, and has had me in tears more than once. Not only am I struggling with tension that sucks the energy from my limbs, but I am fighting an odd new batch of heretofore unknown demons. I have never spent enough time in the water, or ever tried to be a serious swimmer, and so my anxiety has been hidden deep, and safely, within my subconscious. Much to my dismay, I might add. Amazing how these skeletons can come to light, float to the surface, when one steps far beyond the fringe of the comfort zone. This has become a serious battle for me. I am sure many might think I am just being dramatic, over-exaggerating, blowing it all out of proportion. But I know how I feel with my face in the water, and it really is unlike almost anything I have experienced before. So I know this will be an important hurdle for me. But I also know that I can face this challenge and win the battle. I am taking steps, adding tools, building weapons to face the challenge. I admit, I do wish Coach could be at my side during my open water swims, I feel much braver when he is with me, but he is out of the state for the next month. So I am on my own. But each event I will be better, faster, more confident in the water. Hell, my first swim was so dismally horrific that there is no way I can't improve upon it.
My inner voices, taunting demons, naysaying thoughts are battering at the door as well. I can be my own worst enemy at times such as these. Knowing the voices lie, but believing them anyway. So into my arsenal I have to add sport psychology. I need to calm the demons, quiet the voices, bring skeletons to light for proper burial. I know I can do this as well. I am nothing if not good at self-analysis, self-therapy. I will allow my confidence to grow, along with my physical skills. I will not let myself succumb to self doubt, tears, panic, fear. I will continue to train mind and body, seeking help as much as possible, going it alone when I have to.
Today was not a great day for me. I had zero motivation, and was ridiculously hungry all day. I did not accomplish much and have been chastising myself accordingly. This is another issue to address. It is okay to take down time. I do not need to be On 100% of the time. Today I did clean and lube Joshua, and take him out on an easy jaunt around the countryside, trying to clear my head, reduce stress, calm my jangled nerves. It was working fine until the 4X4 full of redneck dickheads pulled up behind me as I neared the crest of a bitch of a hill and shouted, "Get the fuck off of the road!" And then roared past, flipping me off from every window. I yelled back, gave them the finger, then pulled over to the side of the road and cried, hard. As a matter of fact I cried for a good part of the ride home. But then, instead of berating myself long and loud, or doing a hellish weight workout (my usual cure for weeping stress), I went over to my wonderful neighbors' and ate homemade pizza. I did not chastise myself for sloth, gluttony, laziness. I enjoyed their companionship, laughed, told them about my swim yesterday, including my panic over the "tentacle" that was just my own braid floating in the water. It was a balm for my soul. Maybe I fell off the wagon just a bit nutrition-wise, but got back on track emotionally. I need to allow this. I cannot be the Stepford athlete.
So, what have I learned today? Swimming will improve. Demons are liars. Train Body and Mind. Down time is okay, and necessary. Relaxation can be as important as strength. And abusive, foul-mouthed rednecks are ass-hats.
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