I Want My Goddamned Milk!

    I will say, although I love my body, and am continually amazed at its ability to rise to the occasion, lately there is an aspect of it that has me bitterly disappointed. Really? Disappointed? That does seem to be more than a little harsh. No, seriously. Disappointed. Suddenly my digestive system seems to take sadistic pleasure in torturing me with it random, painful, embarrassing antics. It has gotten so there seems to be very little I can consume without fear of pain, cramps, bloating, and yes, gas. I swear to all the Powers That Be, I am not a hypochondriac. I am not making this shit up. But it seems that almost everything I eat has serious side effects and consequences. My very favorite and beloved food group, dairy, has suddenly become a Toxic Avenger, wreaking havoc and leaving a trail of methane in its wake. Dairy has been my go-to protein source for like, forever. Yogurt, cottage cheese, and milk, glorious, glorious milk. I am used to consuming two gallons of milk a week. Two Gallons!! And now, No Gallons. And that makes me incredibly sad. It has only been a week of a self imposed ban on milk, and I miss it sorely. It is as if a best friend has moved to the other side of the world, and I don't know if I will ever see them again. Ever.
    Of course I am trying different natural remedies. I am taking a digestive enzyme that has not only herbal and amino acid ingredients, but also Ox digestive enzymes. Yeah, Ox Bile. Seriously. That shows you how desperate I am. Ox Bile. I want my milk back. I want giant glasses of cold milk with every meal. I want my warm milk before bed. I want milk with whey protein during and after my workouts. I want my goddamn MILK!
    And milk, though the most important of the new taboo foods, is not the only one. Most meals are causing me some discomfort, and yes, methane production. This is problematic on many levels. Not too long ago I spent most of my time alone except for the company of my dogs. Dogs don't care what vapors are wafting through the air. My dogs are very capable of emanating their own special form of noxious zephyr. So, if that were still the case, this would be much more of a non-issue. But happily, my social status has changed fairly recently, and I am not always sleeping alone these days. Great for me and my emotional well being. Not so great if my rebellious digestive tract makes me less than an ideal bed mate. You see where I am going with this? Yeah, thought so. So I am having to really sort through my normal, and already limited, acceptable food products to figure out exactly which foods are going to be added to the ever lengthening list of verboten delicacies. It seems the more carefully I eat, the more carefully I have to eat. And that sucks on so many levels.
    So once more, I feel like shaking my fist, and shouting out my rage to the Powers That Be, "I want my goddamn MILK!!" I don't ask for much. Don't expect any special favors. I am not demanding of the Powers. But seriously PTB, I really want my Goddamned MILK!