I have gone through an interesting transformation these last 6 months, not just physically but emotionally, mentally and psychologically. But the most obvious, in-your-face difference is the physical changes that I have undergone. Yes, I lost a shitload of unnecessary weight, but that is only a portion of the reality. There have been very few times in my adult life when I was not very conscientious of fitness and healthy eating habits. I have had, and used often, gym memberships most of my life. When moving to a new area, or taking a job in a new town, one of the first things I have always done is track down an affordable, decent fitness center that is convenient to either home or work. I have been teased in the past by coworkers, "you workout enough for all of us." Feeling strong and healthy has always been a priority. But this year I have decided that, being my 50th year (fuck, fifty, how the hell did it get here so quickly?) that I need to turn up the dial, stop thinking what I could do and actually do it. In the past I allowed a number of outside influences to give me excuses to stay away from the real me trapped inside a larger me.
I must acknowledge that the beginning of the transformation began as a trial by fire, a dip into the pits of hell, a fall into a dark abyss. It was not a method that I would ever recommend to anyone, friend or foe. And honestly, in the beginning there was a steep decline in my workouts, a weight gain and a lack of my normal care in my upkeep and feeding. It was a mere 8 weeks or so, but it was enough to make me grab hold of myself by the short hairs and bitch-slap some semblance of sense into my faltering mind and flagging body. I had spent too many hours of my life working out, staying strong and healthy, to let a little backslide in the emotional/psychological arena to let myself down that way. I could not allow it to happen. From that point, I did slip further down into the darkness, but knew that if I could not control my emotions, control my brain, at least I could control my body and what went into it. The stress reached a pinnacle that caused me to be almost unable to eat or sleep. My response; find what healthy food I could eat, and if I couldn't sleep I got out of bed and hit the treadmill. There were a lot of predawn miles pounded out under my feet, forcing blood into my sleep deprived brain, boosting flagging serotonin and dopamine levels. It was probably not what a doctor would recommend, but it was all I knew to do. And it helped. Getting and staying fit does more for delicate hearts and minds than anything a doctor could prescribe.
So, now, here it is, early summer in my fiftieth year, and I am in the best shape of my life. My body feels better than it did in my early twenties, and I have more energy than when I was a chubby 10 year old. I keep pushing my workouts up a notch, finessing, perfecting, and kicking my own ass in the process. My weight continues to drop, though now I am trying to stabilize it. I never thought, in my wildest dreams, that I would have to eat more so I could stop losing weight. Yes, I would like to lower my body fat more, but my poor, saggy, little breasts would become empty envelopes of skin if I did, and I just can't quite go there. And now training takes precedence, and nutrition is paramount to effective training. I am deliriously happy to be able to reintroduce peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to my normal fare. I missed them so.
So my Mind and Body are on an adventure to see just where this ride will take us. I have dreams and goals, and am reaching out to them every single day. I see some right at the tips of my fingers. Others are for the future, but not a distant or unreachable future. I have finished with pipe dreams, maybes, could haves, should haves. I am on course to attain triumphs and victories that a short year ago were mere wishes. Now the wishes are dreams, and those dreams are becoming reality. I love my life. I love my Body.
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