Recent events, and events over the last year or so have made me think that I am not suited to having a social life. Not with my current, action packed schedule anyway. I just don't have much time to spare outside of work, home, and training. At various times, the highs and lows of life, I have wondered if I have chosen my training path to guard myself from having to have a social life, a real, grown-up relationship, a partner in crime? Have I diverted so much time and energy into training to avoid feeling like I should be out in the world? Then I come back to the same realization: I am doing exactly what I want to do, and what I have wanted to do for over a decade. Long have I wanted to be able to devote the time and energy necessary to be able to accomplish amazing feats of endurance. Oh, I haven't reached that level yet, not by any stretch of the imagination, but I am working towards it, feeling the possibilities, reaching for dreams I had thought beyond my grasp, making up for lost time.
Fifteen years ago, there was a yearly event called "The Eco Challenge." Mixed gender teams of four raced across a country, through the wilds, over hill and dale, mountain and river, forest and ravine. They traveled mostly on foot, but there would be several specific challenges such as traveling via horseback, swimming, rappelling. It took the teams over a week to travel the distance. We watched the race several times, as a family, and I remember telling my sons, "When you are grown, wouldn't it be epic to do something like that?" I still think it would be epic to do something like that. Over the years, I have watched the Ironman championship on Kona, and yearned to compete in something as grueling. But I have always put these dreams on hold for other aspects of life. Some aspects, like raising a family, were worth putting my own pipe dreams on the back burner. But other things, years of trying to adjust my life to the lives of others, with no real gain for me, were not my best use of years I will never regain. But that is the past, this is the now.
Now I want to train. I want to train to live my life the way I have dreamed. I want to live to train as hard as I can, to achieve what seemed only pipe dreams. I have the dedication, and just enough of an obsessive compulsive nature to narrow my focus to the point of near neurosis. I think that it just may be my willingness to channel my energies on such a focused goal that makes me less than an ideal mate in the eyes of most rational, normal guys. I have realized though, that it is a sacrifice I am willing to make. These are not dreams for the faint of heart, I already question my sanity. But if I am going to dream, I want to dream big. I won't allow myself to disregard my own desires again, I am reaching for the the stars. I want to truly live my life, live it in such a way that dreams are not dreams, but my own reality. I will train to Live that Life. I will train to live, and live to train, and in the end, it will be epic.
No comments:
Post a Comment