Over Thinking, Over Analyzing

    I am still struggling with swimming. I am over thinking, over analyzing, as usual. It is not my nature to "just relax" and let it flow. Few things have ever come naturally, with easy grace. I have struggled, fought, and worked hard for nearly every physical endeavor I have ever undertaken. I wish I could step into something as a Natural, just once. But that is not my fate, not my course. I have to work hard, and pretend it is easy. In my first ballet class, oh so long ago, the dance instructor told us all that one key to dance was to always keep the face and shoulders relaxed, this made everything look effortless and fluid. I have kept those words in my heart, and have tried to keep a calm demeanor during physical duress. But I know better. I know how I struggle, how hard I work. I know the feelings of despair when months, years of hard work shows very little results. I don't let on about this often. I don't like to vent my frustrations. Instead I just work harder, put in a little more time, push myself a little more. And I know there is always room to push myself harder. Many a day I feel like I don't work out nearly hard enough to meet the lofty goals I set before myself. Do I set myself up for failure? I am not totally sure. I do know that I am inclined to set the bar higher than I am truly capable of, in the hopes that I will make it over this one time. Case in point: I have my first 10K in one week. One fucking week. Am I ready? No. Can I run 5K? Yes. But, as is evident to all, 10K is twice that far. Why did I do this? I am not really sure. I know I like to push myself, have goals, take it to the next level. But sometimes I think I ask too much of myself. But really, if I don't ask, who will? Who will induce me to bump it up a notch? No one. Just me. So I push myself a bit more, knowing I should push a lot more. I don't take days off. I add weight training, more reps, an extra swim. What the hell? Am I trying to kill myself? No. I am trying to live. I want to do it all. I want to be better tomorrow than I am today, even if it is a minuscule iota of change. I want to be better, stronger, faster. I want to run a race. Win a race. I want to improve my time. I want to be successful in each discipline of the triathlon. I want to be able to do Olympic distance. Half Ironman. I want to do an Ironman. There, I have said it aloud. It is now out in the cosmos. Once again, I set the bar so high I can't even see it, much less reach it. But I know it is there. So back to over thinking. Over analyzing. I need to learn to relax, go with the flow, and I am over thinking even that. I guess relaxation is a bar set too high.