I Can Do This

    To assure myself that there will never be a replay of my swim bonk, I have started taking private lessons. Fortunately, the beautiful swim center I go to has 30 minutes sessions for $10. I figure once a week, get pointers and a knowledgeable assessment of my swimming, then work hard to improve.
    Tonight was my first lesson. I got some great advice, ways to improve my technique, and a serious feeling of , "oh my god, I suck." Truly. I have managed to be a decent swimmer by just winging it. But that does not cut it when faced with an open water swim in the blender-like action of dozens of racing bodies plunging into murky water together, and many having a "win at all costs" mentality. In my first experience of this, I was kicked several times, jostled, and actually had one guy swim right over top of me. This was not as disconcerting to me as it may be to some, since I have been used to the hard knocks game of armored combat. But once out into open water, the ideal is to relax and find your stroke. I did not manage that. I floundered. I need to get past this. I will do better.
    After my lesson, which had more than a few moments of frustration and feelings of abject failure (no fault to my young instructor, she was great), I stayed to do some easy laps. I wanted to drill into my head the lessons I had just learned. After a few laps, barely making 25 yards before feeling gassed and stressed, I clung to the edge of the pool, at the deep end, and cried. Yes, cried. Like a baby. I totally lost it. I had the feeling of being an abject failure. Slowest swimmer in the pond. A What-the-fuck-am-I-thinking breakdown.  It went on for several minutes. I could not stop. Finally, after a little mental slapping, I managed to regain control. I wanted to get out of the pool and slink off to the shower. Instead, I did another half lap, 25 yards. I focused on stroke, flutter kicks, breathing. I made it 20 yards before sucking water up my nose. I wanted to quit. Instead, I swam another half lap. This time I made it to the far end, with decent form, good breathing, but slow. "Better," I told myself. Another half lap. 25 yards. Focus on technique. Focus on breathing. "Better." A half lap at a time, I swam another 4 laps. I was tired and wanted to quit. "One more lap."  Done. "Better." Breathe. "One more lap." Done. "Better."
    It was not my best swim. But not my worst. Yeah, I felt like a floundering newb. I cried. I swore. But I did not quit. I am strong. I am an athlete. I can do this. I can get faster. More effective. I will get better. I can do this.