Slacker

    I have to admit, I am feeling a bit shitty about myself today. Today, I ate too much sugar, too much wheat, dropped my control, overate in a way I haven't done in a very long time. I feel glutted, sickly, unhealthy. Lately I have not been eating right, not working out with my regular diligence, have put on a few pounds, and have just felt "off" for a couple of weeks. Yes, I have had this bitch of a cold that has given me just enough of an excuse to let myself slack, but I feel that it really is just an excuse. Yes, I did complete a major endurance event just a month ago, and I have been told often enough that it can truly take 4 to 6 weeks to recover from such an endeavor. But, you know what? I call bullshit. I have been slacking, I have let my nutritional habits falter, I have let workouts slide, I am letting myself succumb to the onset of winter depression. I can't let it happen, not now, not when everything is going so well. Not when I have worked so hard to get where I am. I have been struggling to get back on track, but my focus is lost. I don't have the same drive that I needed to get myself through a summer of rigorous training to prep for The Big One. Here I am, no serious events on the horizon, nothing to drive my training. I am lost and wandering in circles, and starting to get pissed that I can't find my way. I know that right now, this very moment, I am tired, on a sugar buzz, feeling overemotional, out of balance, edgy, and drained, and very likely this is making me also be very harsh and judgmental. I am my harshest critic, and toughest coach, after all. I would love to be able to relinquish control, let myself relax, slack, take a vacation from me, but I can't. I know that I need to find an event in the not too distant future to set my sights on. I do have a few smaller events lined up in the next few months, but they are my "just for fun" adventure races. Don't let that fool you, they are not easy runs. Shellburg Falls is a 7 mile trail run with some of the steepest terrain I have encountered on a trail run, with one long stretch that is steep enough it requires hands and feet to climb. But it is not an endurance event. I yearn for another 70.3 mile encounter. I want to try 140.6. I am an addict going through withdrawls and depression. I want a fix. I need a fix. Instead I see the oncoming onslaught of winter, rain tapping on the window, wind ripping leaves from the trees, shorter days, longer nights, cold, wet, grey. I need to snap out of it, grab myself by the lapels and give myself a couple of sharp slaps. I need to be held accountable for my actions, or lack thereof. I can tell you one thing for certain, as a self-coached athlete, my coach can be a real bitch, and she is already pissed at me. Time to get my head back in the game.